Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
