You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
