come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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