he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
