After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
the liver wants what the liver wants
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
