Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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