I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
