His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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