I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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