I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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