I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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