i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
