You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
there's paper in my vomit.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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