Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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