i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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