I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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