just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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