my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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