if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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