Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
