I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
