drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
