I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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