hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
