hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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