bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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