Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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