Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
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