Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
