people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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