I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I love you. Go after that dick
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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