did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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