the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Houston, we have a blender
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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