There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
