So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
