I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
