I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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