I can text with my tongue
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
