Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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