There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
