my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
