im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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