dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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