on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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