The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
