Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
