I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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