i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
