Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
