You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
