I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
