I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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