In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
zippers are such a cool invention
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
