you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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