Don't make out with my wife yet
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
