Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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