Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
