Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
