I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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