I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
